Stepping Reflex

It has been awhile...

2007-12-02T14:03:00.000Z

Its 2 Dec 2007... about 1.5 years since I last wrote something here...

Many things have changed/happened..

....hopefully with time I'll put these beautiful memories here.

Surprisingly happy to be back! =)

So many sweet people in this world

2006-05-23T21:15:00.000Z

I think I will never be able to finish all the revising.. there is always something more I can do but I just cannot make myself do anymore...

To those people who actually come to my blog (when there has been nothing for literally weeks!) I am so touched! Thanks for the support...

My mottot of the day : Whatever will be will be...

=)

P.S. I am feeling calmer today because I realised this is definitely not going to be the most difficult exam I have to conquer... I would leave the real FULL BLOWN fear till then and for now I shall chill till tomorrow comes.

I ALMOST FORGOT

2006-05-21T16:57:00.000Z

I have not logged in for so long that blogger.com asked me to sign in again.. they have forgotten about my existence... sob

and guess what! i forgot what my user ID was! sob x 2

LUCKILY i use the same password for everything... i know my IQ isn't very high to say this here.. but its not my birthdate so happy guessing..

Life is coming to an end for me... Finals start in three days and I am so screwed. I feel like I have never been so afraid before... I feel like I might fail and have to resit a paper... I feel like I cannot breath anymore...

Why am I so anxious? Have I not prepared well? I feel I am like any other student... Not overly studious but not a lazy bugger either. I do what I can... Although I do spot a few topics and skip anatomy that i utterly detest...I have been thinking hard about my fear because its not like I have never took a major exam before and its not like me to be freaking out.... After some thought, I think I know why....

I have been waiting for second year to end for very long (8 months and more)... I want to go home to my loving family... Second year has been punishing and I don't want to carry this academic burden with me any more... I have been preparing for exams since easter... bit by bit...two months worth of endorcrinology, fertility, anatomy, neuroscience, neuroanatomy, pharmacology, genetics, immunology, epidemiology, ethical information have accumalated in me... I just want to let it all out this week and then not have to recollect all these information for a long time...

Please God, let me pass all three papers... Let me go home and let me free...

P.S. I thank papa and mama for keeping me going the past week... If i survive, i promise to be good to you...

I'm lame but I'm bored

2006-04-21T15:14:00.000Z

Forgive me =) its soooo fun!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

P.S. haha.. still want me??

The scariest and most accurate personality game EVER

2006-04-21T14:58:00.000Z

I have played countless of personality games and its not surprising that they are accurate - to about 40%...

I was waiting for my spybot to clear the clutter on com when i decided to go friendstering (typical of me). I saw that Criag had updated his profile so I went to take a look... shagging at CPF?!?! oh my oh my... Criag is all growned up... sigh

Anyway he had a personality test thing on his friendster for awhile but it was a THREE QUESTION PERSONLAITY TEST! How could i believe in 3 qns when the 103 qns i did gave me only 40% of what i really am... anyway... i did it... hee hee

And behold.. this is wat i got....

Your Personality Is

Guardian (SJ)

You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented.
Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules.

You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader.
You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you.

A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do.
You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up.

In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly.

At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions.

With others, you tend to be polite and formal.

As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself.

On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!

The Three Question Personality Test

P.S. for those who know me well, this is damn close to truth. Its so scary.... try it.. if you dare... =)

Being Gay - Is it a Pathology?

2006-04-20T11:32:00.000Z

I assure you this is going to be an interesting entry =)

I know that guys who prefer guys have been around for a long time ( at least from the time of the ranchers i.e. brokeback mountain ) However I feel that in the past few years, there has been a sharp increase in the number of gays. The hottest new blog in Singapore is a poorly written but highly entertaining site blogged by a gay couple colin and kero @ www.colinandkero.blogspot.com Apparently the medical students at NUS are super fascinated by this pair of 17 year olds and their broken english...

Anyway, my Father asked me about my opinion as to the increase in gays... I have to clarify that we are NOT talking about transexual but guys who prefer guys here. These are males who like angular strong jaws, and triangular shaped body with nice wide shoulders.... who like the husky low voice of a male and get turn on by seeing an erected *****. They are unlike normal guys who like feminine things like the soft round breasts and tight cute butts.... the features that make a female feminine i.e. indicative of their ability to bear babies.I believe that there must be something different in their brains for them to stop appreciating the child bearing qualities of a female. It is not a natural behaviour of being male because reproduction is an instinct as primitive as primitive can get. Perhaps there are yet to be discovered hormones in our body and gays lack it or perhaps the lack testosterone receptors in specific part of the brain i.e. the amygadala (lesion here causes hypersexuality). All in all, they are gays because they have an underlying pathology.

I told my father the above hypothese and told him that I believe that there has been many gays all around us all along but they were just inhibited from expressing their preferences. I mean imagine if you were a guy who liked girls with big boobs... you will probably feel manly to let pple know your interest... but if you were a guy who like other guys with big dicks then ah hem.... shy right?) ANYWAY in the past, people generally do not do what they like (i.e. a woman tolerating the MCP husband) but today they just do it (i.e. a woman kicking the MCP man out of the marriage) To be fair to the gays I feel the probably did not indulge in what they like. However in this time and age people have are less inhibited and more willing to make themselves happy... so they gays unite! and yeah gay clubs spring out like mushrooms in a forest... and gay blogs are the new "in" thing to have!

My father agreed with the first half of my hypothesis but he disagrees with the second part. He feels it does not adequately satisfies the question of why there are more and more gays today. He feels strongly that it has to do with the environment. He explained that when he was 12/13 he already started having sexual thoughts and inclinations towards mama (hee hee... yeah they met when my dad was 8 and my mama was 7)... He explained that that is the most natural feeling in the world... he asked me to compare the guys of today and that of the past i.e. him. He explained that the boys of the past had less stress and more agressive and active games. They also ate food that were more natural (i.e. real kampung chicken and home-growned vege... none of the oestrogen filled beef and milk). The boys were also exposed to less radiation from the microwave, handphone and tight jeans etc etc.... he believes its this changed environment that has either suppressed unknown sexual hormones or depleted sexual hormone receptors in the brain. All in all, his prediction is dire for girls and the homophobic - there will only be more and more gays in the future....

P.S. hahah...interesting post right?! who do you agree with? my papa or me. btw if you see pieces of chicken with nice white skin and fat (applies to beef and lamb and pork too) those are farmed and they eat industrial feed. If the skin and fat is yellow, that is because the fat have taken up the colour of natural feed such as corn and grains... same applies for egg yolks... free range eggs (from happy chickens) have yellowy orange egg yolks and those with pale yellow egg yolks are from farmed chickens. If you don't believe please go to market/sainsbury/tescos/waitrose/ntuc/coldstorage to take have a look!!!

Momentum - None left

2006-04-20T01:21:00.000Z

SIGHHH...

I blogged about inertia before... now I shall blog about MOMENTUM...

Momentum is a scary thing.. i did not like that topic much in college... hee hee but honestly i liked NOTHING about physics in college. Anyway its something about mass x velocity.. and it can pass from one ball to another... if a huge ball hits the smaller one... the smaller ball move faster (gain in velocity)... if a small ball hits the bigger ball... horrors! the smaller ball slows down till it eventually stops (lose velocity)!

2 weeks ago, I push myself to overcome inertia and started revising... unfortunately I have comed to realise that I am but a small ball with minute mass (not literally bec I am rather plump!)and i have flung myself right into a HUGE mass - boredom. I am sooo bored! I am doing random stuff like reading my old novels that i can practically memorise, checking blogs on a daily basis (and I actually get slightly disappointed if YOU did not update your blogs), looking at pictures on friendster, and yes ebaying... (i bid on ebay not to buy stuff.. i BID to LOSE... sighs the ultimate drama in my life now) =)

But the ultimate, most time consuming past-time of all??? Happy SIGH.... dreaming about summer holidays.... its going to be superb.. simply fantastic.... i know it bec i have played the numerous events countless times through my head... bliss...

To reduce all the guilt that I have accumalated from slacking... i have resorted to not leaving my house or my room (except to toilet and to eat)...i have even tried not logging on to msn and the most desperate measure of all... turning off the com!!!
Guess what, I am still day dreaming... so turn the com on again to enter a blog entry....

This is an appeal. I have NO MOMENTUM at all. I NEED A BIG HEAVY BALL TO HIT ME. SOMEONE PLEASE HIT ME!!!

P.S. haha.. boredom is probably one of the numerous causes of madness and i got a feeling i am succumbing to it (madness)....

Retail Therapy

2006-04-14T11:49:00.000Z

hee hee

i cannot believe how dangerous boredom is to one's pocket...

In the past year, I bought less than two new tops but in the last month or so I have already purchased two dresses, two tops a necklace and a pair of earrings - ONLINE!

I blame it on becky.
She introduced the concept of online shopping at victoriasecrets.com first. They DO NOT only see lingerie... they have beautiful clothes too! Some of them are actually reasonably priced (i mean cheaper or equally priced as clothes in MNG & Zara) and the designs are unique (not like MNG & Zara... Hence on one fine lonely evening, diana, sophia myself and becky were shopping at VS.com in the comforts of our own rooms plus some peer encourage from each other, all of us made a substantial amount of online purchases. I take pride in having ordered the least bec it means that perhaps i have the best self/financial control?!?! or maybe bec i am the most broke... sigh... Anyway, I look forward to becky's return from Msia as the clothes have been sent to her place over easter. =)

I blame it on ee mei.
She showed me a pretty pair of shoes on asos.com. They were selling clothes/accessories/jewellery that resembled the style of different celebrities and the sale shop had really good bargains. SUPER good selling techniques this company has I tell you.... so last night at 3.30am I decided to go and browse the website... and I ended up 28 pounds poorer... boo hoo... hwo could I not when there were tops going for 10 pounds and pretty seashell necklace and earrings going for 4 pounds?!?! The logical girl in me told me that i probably might not be able to fit the clothes anyway so from 4 choices it was down to 2... then the impulsive girl in me told me that even if i could not wear it I could probably give my super slim sisters who will be quite happy at the gift... and the jewelleries come in pretty pink ASOS boxes. So cute! I could buy it first then use them as gifts... right? Yeah so I clicked confirm on the order list... sigh... I was poor and getting poorer... yeah... three cheers to study breaks!

Hee hee...

P.S. But the adrenaline rush of buying things on line is a weird phenomenon that psychologists should go investigate.. after i bought the stuff on ASOS i could stay alert and awake till 7 am to do some work. Cool right! Hope this does not become my permanent solution to stay alert through a long night...

Too busy to write

2006-04-13T19:09:00.000Z

-BIG SIGH-

It's that time of the year again... when the students lose their social life for a boring and demoralising life.... REVISION TIME!

Let me tell you about MY boring and demoralising life these days...

Part 1
I wake at 9am to eat and then fall back into bed for a nap due to sheer exhaution (from eating?? no lah.. from the night before!) I become fully awake at 11am so that means I have to eat again. Then I bravely on my computer - it is a sign that my day has begun. I check emails and friendster... then i start to dream about life after exams... not long after i realise its lunch time (good timing as i am starting to feel bored anyway so i go to find some junk to eat... )

Part 2
Then back to my computer... my next brave move of the day - i open my book! Then at about that time I would decide to chat to becky on msn... yup some human interaction is still vital for my sanity... after that i start to read some stuff and realise nothing much is going in... so sad so I have to surf the internet....to look at beautiful women and clothes on the victoria secrets web page, to amazon to see if there are any nice books to buy, to ebay to see if there are nice things to bid for... then feeling really guilty and demoralised at my poor will power, i return to my books... after awhile i realise once again that my attention has dwindled...means that i am low on sugar so i head back into the kitchen...

Part 3
play with the cat whilst i make my tea... eventually come back to the books again... after another little while i hear the housemate's roomdoor open and that is indicative of preparing dinner time... (secretly happy to have another distraction) I go back into the kitchen to "help" with making dinner... at about 9pm... full blown guilt sets in and i start to do work... at 1am I feel hungry so its supper time...

Part 4
Shit.. time is running out and I am once again behind scheduele... have to study abit faster.....at 3am I am a broken gal... feel like dying so i call home to chat with my mama.. after the call i feel abit motivated so i start studying again.. at 530am I decide that no more information can be registered in this poor brain of mine so i head over to my bed.. then i pick up my current read (A Woman of Cairo) and read for half an hour before allowing myself to drift off to dreamland.. then at 9am my eyes open because my stomach is growling and the day starts again...

Yup. For every hour of study i match with two hours of lazing around and eating. How demoralising is that.

Yes pple. That explains my missing blog entries... i've got no more extra energy or brain juices to pour onto this page but i promise to do it justice after the 26th of May, 2006.

P.S. For those who have come to this page and found nothing new.. I am sorry...come back in may! =)

Expensive food and drink

2006-04-04T16:05:00.000Z

I am glad my 21st Birthday is over...
It was not a spectacular day... really simple... and quite sweet...

I think the highlight of the day was opening a bottle of Cristal Champagne that costs 190 pounds. I am really ignorant about good wine and did not initally appreciate the value of such a gift. To be honest I initially thought the gift to be a waste of good money for what we drink would surely come out the other end right??

However after opening and drinking the alcohol, my ideas about expensive champagne are not the same anymore. Six of us gathered round the table and in our hands were 30 pounds a glass of alcohol.... as we drank the one-pound-a-drop beverage, we chatted, feasted on strawberries and enjoyed each others' company. The glass in our hand reminded us that it was a special gathering and the moment that we were sharing together was as precious as the champagne...

The champagne is gone but in the box I have the very precious signature of some special people and I am happy.

Definitely more champagne when I graduate/get married/have a baby etc. This time I would gladly pay for it.

My Birthday

2006-04-03T11:02:00.000Z

I like planning and organising parties for others but somehow the idea of having one for myself is just too stressful to bare... so today I have decided to gather with a a few good friends to spend the evening in front of a tv with korean maggee mee, kim chi and loads of ice cream.

I am a simple girl. I like simple things. I look forward to tonight.

I've got another poem from my 4th sis I wana to share bec to me its so sweet and I hope to keep it here in my blog...

To Yanni..
On this beautiful day
I would like to say
Happy 21st birthday
In all my life
I know that though the flowers are pretty
and oh how sweet the honey is
but somehow they cannot compete with you
your beauty and your grace
On 3rd April I will say
Please listen if you may
I love you Yanni jie
Happy 21st birthday

My reply To Yanning & Yanling

On this beautiful day
I would like to say
Thank you for being my sisters
Thank you for being my heart and soul
You girls may not know
but my heart can bare wind and rain
for your love anchors me
and saves me from the rain

Life may not be a bed of roses
but because i have you
there is just so much to look forward to
that I no longer feel the thorns
nor the pain
I only see the beauty of the flowers
and feel the gentle coolness of the breeze

Thank you dears
miss you
love you

P.S. see you gals in june

20 Years Old and 361 Days

2006-03-29T17:31:00.000Z

The truth is out.
I am already 21.

In a few days time it will be made offical that I can vote in the next elections and watch R21 films.

However I am quite sure that the "crisis stage" of hitting this age had came, sunk in and perhaps gone away. I know I am 21, single, antisocial because of a heavy workload, have 3 years plus few months till graduation, living on father's money and living away from the comforts of home. And seriously, I don't mind. I am happy. This is the best time of my life.

Someone asked me if I would like to go back to being a child again. The answer was a firm no. Being a child is very hard work.... my poor sisters have to deal with the chinese language and trust me that it is much harder today as compared to our time. No doubt theoretically childhood is a carefree, commitment free time of our life... But I beg to differ. How about those compulsory ballet, piano, swimming classes... and those continual and semester assessments at the end of every term?! And the exams that will determine our lives... for singaporeans its the Primary 4 streaming exams, the Primary 6 Primary School Leaving Exams (PSLE), the Sec 2 Science classes streaming exams, O levels and A levels... All these were like hurdles for us to leap across... sometimes so high I thought I would never make it.

On top of all the educational commitments, I had to conquer a turbulent puberty and adolescence almost alone... (not the fault of my parents.. i was fiercely private when I was young) and then there was always a persistent problem of losing old friends and making new ones... How can one describe childhood as carefree?

No doubt the trials and tabulations of childhood helped to made me who I am today... and I do not regret that I have made the decisions I made. However if I were to do it all over again... I don't know... eee... no thanks

P.S. I pray that my next 21 years will be as sweet as the past 21. Thank you God for blessing me with the best family and friends.

My papa, My doctor

2006-03-28T15:35:00.000Z

I was very sick yesterday... I had very bad tension headache and was going to sleep early at midnight. It was right after I settled into bed that bouts after bouts of shivers hit me... I was so cold that my feet and hands had gone numb.

I could not walk or talk initially but my mind was alert..
Is it epilepsy? - better start praying
Is it anxiety? - try breathing deeply
Is it viral? - no fever
Is it hypothyroidism? - heart beat is fast
Is it septicaemia/meningitis? - oh shit, I can die tonight!!

If I die, I cannot become a doctor... my ambition since i was in play school...
but it is really not so bad because being a doctor is hardwork

If I die, I cannot become a girlfriend/wife/mother
But it is really not so bad because I don't really yearn to be any of the above

If I die, I cannot see papa, mama, ping, min, ning, ling for the last time
I started crying and praying at this point
I realise how much I would lose if I could not see them again
Everything
Because that is how much they mean to me

At 3am, the shivers stopped and I gathered enough energy to stand up to remove my gloves, double layered socks, scarf, sweater and jacket.. but my head got so heavy I thought i was going to faint.. so I collapsed back into bed....

Went to tescos at 12noon then to school at 2pm... headache was still there but feeling much better..

Came home in the rain at 3pm and defrozed the chicken to cook for dinner...

I was dreading to call home because I hated running to me papa when i needed help... My pa is also my doctor... so you see its like dreading to talk to the doctor...

Eventually at 340pm I picked up the phone and called home.. Since I have replayed the scene last night so many times in my mind... all the information came out in a rush... and then my differential diagnosis of what it could have been..

He said: ok you got rigor. Rigor is very rare for viral infection. You don't have epilepsy or hypothyroidism. Rigor is common for people with malaria in the 3rd world countries. It occurs when the red blood cells burst and the parasites come out into the blood stream and the body has to fight it. You don't have malaria so you must be having some form of septicaemia. It is either that you have urinary tract infection or a tooth infection. But since you are not yet sexually active it is more likely that you have a tooth abcess. Does any of your molars hurt?

Oh my...sigh... see he is MY DOCTOR. He even knows that I am not sexually active. Sigh and yup I have been having wisdom tooth problem on and off for the past few months... and for about the last week my jaw on the left was hurting again due to the growth of my wisdom tooth... I did complain about it to a few friends but they thought it was nothing. Apparently my doctor does not think so and somehow i know he is likely to be correct... so I asked for his prescription and started immediately.

At the end of the phone call he said to me " Yanni don't be stubborn. This is the difference between an old doctor and a new one - We have more experience. SMS me on thursday to tell me if you feel better. Be good and eat the meds or else you might get meningitis... er.. try to fly back earlier"

I cried after the call. I miss my papa my doctor....

P.S. I love you papa....

Stupid Question

2006-03-28T15:25:00.000Z

Some people really ask me stupid things AND actually I have stupid answers to give.

Qn 1. Can I please ask you a question?
Ans : Er.. is this the question?

Qn 2. Why are you single?
Ans : Er.. i don't know lah
Reply : OH bec your special guy is not here yet lah
Ans : Er..yah..
Thinking : why do you ask if you have such a fantastic answer to your own qn??

Qn 3. You like to cook?
Ans : Yah
Qn 3a. Why don't become a cook?
Ans : Er.. because I am doing medicine
Reply : Aiyah cook also very good job what
Thinking : I did not say to be a cook is less than being a doctor

P.S. purely for entertainment purposes so please do not feel offended

Special Little Boy

2006-03-25T17:16:00.000Z

I have just received my 21st Birthday gift from my housemates... and he is Tigger the first special little boy in my life...

Haha... yup... nik, mei and I went to a Blue Cross pet shelter situated faraway in the countryside to adopt our Tigger. He is an 8 1/2 month old Tabby cat and he is so handsome, independent and brave!

Why is Tigger special??

1. I seldom get presents... and when I do it is usually because it is a necessity that everybody already has i.e. handphone...

Tigger was not a need.... he was a want... and I got it! Yahoo!!

2. He brings me JOY

Doing my ssm now... seriously it is a pain in the a***. So when I really get very frustrated, I head down stairs to the living room to give Tigger a treat. He is so happy to see me... I just cannot feel down anymore.

3. He completes the family here in UK

Staying with nik and mei has been a joy... we cook together, watch series together, host friends together... its really a home away from home here in UK... But as we gathered in the living room ( that we never used ), with Tigger sleekly gliding between us ( he is a good cat who splits his attention fairly btwn the three of us ), we had a real common topic of interest ( besides medicine and gossip )! We were really communicating on another level....

I think I know why there should be kids in a marriage. It makes life glorious...

Thank you Becky =)

2006-03-22T09:08:00.000Z

A message (via email) was given to me by my best friend and she addressed it to people she loved =)

This message is really sweet and simply written... everyone can feel for the author who had lost his wife recently... and relate to the simple paradox he writes about... no doubt none of us would make life-changing decisions after reading this message... BUT please trust me and read!

A wonderful Message by George Carlin

The paradox of our time in history is that we have
taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways,
but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less,
we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and
smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We
have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but
less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more
medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too
recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too
angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too
little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our
values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate
too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years. We've
been all the way to the moon and back, but have
trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We
conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done
larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've
conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write
more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish
less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build
more computers to hold more information, to produce
more copies than ever, but we communicate less and
less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,
big men and small character, steep profits and shallow
relationships. These are the days of two incomes but
more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These
are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway
morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and
pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to
kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom
window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when
technology can bring this letter to you, and a time
when you can choose either to share this insight, or
to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones,
because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to
you in awe, because that little person soon will grow
up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you,
because that is the only treasure you can give with
your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and
your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and
an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep
inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for
someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time
to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

P.S. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away....how true! for from the moment we were born only one of our destinies will definitely come true... and that is death.... if you love your parents/grandparents/siblings/friends please do something really really nice... something that takes up your time... something that might be costly... and then say nice things a little more often...so that when the time comes for us to part... there would be fewer things undone...

miss you papa mama!!

The internet

2006-03-20T22:42:00.000Z

Its the terrible "dead-line" season again...
and life really cannot get more mundane and stressful...
No doubt that the internet is my major source of distraction but honestly it has brought me so much joy that i find the distractions happy ones!

Today i have decided to add three links so that you can have some happy distractions too! enjoy!!

1. sleep positions

This is from weisheng's (my senior's) blog... he has one of the most interesting blog entries.... amazing

I am a fetus style sleeper... and then i become a soldier towards the morning...
hee hee...

2. Top 10 USBs

Ok this is also from weisheng's blog but its so cuteee!! My fav cuisine type is jap so all those sushi/tempura etc really make me wonder why those people subject themselves to such culinary torture?? Its fake!! hello??

3. Parent's Wish

This is a lovely video... i shed perhaps a tear or two... i do not fear that i will one day be old and weak... but the thought of my parents aging... its unbearable... i miss them..

Love you papa, mama

P.S. I thank chok for helping me with doing up the links! and weisheng for finding these cute distractions! =)

Thank you

2006-03-19T11:11:00.000Z

It really is a wonderful feeling to be complemented... however it is a not so good feeling to have to not let the complements get to one's head...

After my previous post about being single, a few friends have reassured me that I am not ugly or totally unshapely/unsightly... and their attempts have made me feel reassured to some extent...

BUT

Hey! you have not seen me just woken up/on a pimple day/ fat (like now) or... naked hee hee... you are more likely to keep your complements and reasuurance to yourself after the whole truth is revealed...

HOWEVER

I am not unhappy how the way I am...
I never have to face problems handling/turning away suitors
nor problems with looking less glamorous on a pimple day/bad hair day
nor a need to buy nice clothes to accentuate my body...

I do believe that things happen for a reason... Without the best of looks and body, I have been rewarded a sensible mind to channel time into work/studies and the money I get to save from not having to pamper my body into buying gifts to make people happy...

It is also true that sometimes the thought of leaving my luxurious single lifestyle, that puts me in place and at ease about the fact that I could be single for a very very long time.

I am a single who knows her worth and I know I am not worthless. I am a single who feels loved because of caring and thoughtful family and friends. I am a single who has loads of freedom because I have time and free reign to do anything I want to do. However I am a single who also wants cuddling in bed and to have someone special to have dinner with. I suppose one can never get everyting we desire.

P.S. Everything happens for a reason. A special friend taught me this and at the same time taught me how to be at peace with the fact that being single is not being a misfit in society.

Being Single

2006-03-18T23:17:00.000Z

The worst question someone can throw to me is :
"Why are you still single?"

I would like to answer that its perhaps because of
1. the way I treat others.
I am "motherly" and too concerned... sometimes condescending...
or
2.the way I carry myself.
I am focused and driven... too ambitious and fierce...
or
the truth may be staring back at me from the mirror....
I simply am not a looker and am not going to make any guy a trophy girlfriend.
I choose to believe the mirror.

I believe that the criteria for choosing a suitable partner is very different for men and women. Women look for guys who know how to treat them well and are able to carry himself well. Men get interested and attracted to women who look good.

No doubt the guys may eventually fall for a women who treats him well and carry herself well but without a doubt she would not have been the first lady who have caught his eye. He may have chosen the less attractive lady because he knows that the more attractive ones are
a) taken
b) not interested
c) too much trouble to handle

Hence though I am not a looker, I know that I may not be single forever... someday someone might decide to choose me not solely based on my looks but also because of my other qualities. However will I choose him? Do i get a choice?

I am picturing myself on a field and many of us are standing in a line. One by one girls are being chosen to join a team... I am definitely not first choice... and looks like I would not have much of a choice left at the end either...
In such a scenario, I will walk away. My choice is to leave. I choose to stand alone.

P.S. and then I will buy a dog, a house, a cat etc... it is not the cleverest option to choose to stand alone... but may not be the worst either...

Strength

2006-03-14T16:04:00.000Z

I find it takes alot of strenth to make every day decisions and to carry them out... let me illustrate.. It is difficult for me :
to decide to get out of bed ( except for food )
to decide to go to school for another boring lecture
to decide that I do not need to buy a beautiful dress from Victoria Secrets
to decide to cook instead of buying takeaway
to decide to tell someone off
to decide to plan an event
to decide to carry out the event I planned
to decide to take the lead
to decide to like someone
to decide to love someone

I do not really know why it is so hard for me to make a decision...
perhaps its my inclination to be lazy
or money matters I have to consider
or dislike of any possible humiliating situation
or the fear of facing a helpless situation
anyway these all give rise to my inertia to make a move/decision

However hard it is, in the end I still function all right... I make some good and some bad decision. I believe we are all strong in our own ways because life is a battle and we have to fight peer prssure, fears and our humanly weakness.

To make matters worse... sometimes we make a decision at last but alas we are not given the choice we want... it takes extra strength for us to accept the situation... then more strength to take it in stride... then more strength to make the most of it...

Those who can do the above are people with true strenth...Think of:

a mother who has decided to bring up her child as best as she can.... but she loses her child through illness... she can give up and blame God... its takes strenth to accpet the situation...then thank Him for giving her that bit of time with her child...

a young man who decides to ride a bike...but ends up losing the use of one leg in an accident... he can blame himself for his stupidity....it takes strenth to accept the situation... then be thankful that he has at least a future with his another leg and the people he loves...

people who decide to fall in love... and then they end up heart broken... they can blame the partner... hate the lover... or accept that the love was a beautiful memory and the lesson learnt from the lost love... enriching..

Inevitably in life we would be faced with situations in which we make one decision but actually are left with no other choice... it takes real strength to know how to ACCEPT and then make the best out of the situation

P.S. I am sure there are people reading this who can relate to this blog... it does not applies to life changing events... little things in life... I am also learning to accept...

Serenity Prayer

2006-03-14T15:51:00.000Z

My favourite Prayer...

God grant me the Courage to change the things I can Change

the Serenity to accept those that I cannot Change

and the Wisdom to know the difference

But God, grant me the Courage not to give up on what I think is Right

even though I think its hopeless

Inertia - part 2

2006-03-08T18:12:00.001Z

For my inertia entry, I got a wonderful comment from chok that made so much sense i decide to make it into a blog entry!

Chok said that as I grow older, my mass increases (no pun intended!) .

Hence, with increased mass (maturity), momentum increases steadily (Momentum = mass X velocity)

With increased momentum, I can...
1. proceed with my relationship at a slow and steady speed.
2. I do not need to predict whats the course of my ball since my great momentum will allow you to overcome any undulations.

BUT BEWARE he said for if my mass grows too big, I will need an immense amount of energy to overcome the initial inertia.

And chok also added another new equation
since Energy = alot of equations
one of it being Energy = Plack's constant X frequency
As long as I am at the right frequency with the guy I am interested in, I should have all the energy I require to get my ball (relationship) moving along!

Finally he added - Can't wait to see you in love!

haha

great comment right?!?!

I do agree that with age and experience one can handle relationship better...

I am definitely more tolerant and understanding and appreciative than the Yanni 3 years ago... however I know that I still do not have sufficient experience to confidently say that my momentum would be enough to overcome every relationship hurdle...

But I do agree that if I meet someone of appropriate frequency I would pluck up enough energy to pursue this fella.. hee hee.. (read my entry before this about lost opportunity!!)

P.S. I thought my analogy was ok... Chok thanks for making it better! Its practically a theory now!!! hee hee

Lost Opportunity

2006-03-08T18:12:00.000Z

Have you ever thought that if you had known earlier about something then you could have made better the opportunity given to you and life would have been filled with less regrets?

Something like being nicer to a grandparent who is no longer here...

Something like voting for your favourite singapore/malaysia idol so that he/she may not have lost...

Something like studying notes no. XYZ before going for the mid-sessional exams...

Something like telling someone you like him/her before you lost him/her to someone else forever...

No doubt that when I do reflect, my life has been filled with lost opportunities... perhaps its fate... but fate to me is like the basic structure of a house...you can only live in one house... and its going to be either an apartment, a semi-detached, perhaps a bungalow or a mansion (super fate!!)... there is little one can do about the size or architecture of one's house once its build. However life is like a combination of the house and its interior design...I strongly believe it is within one's power to make life somewhat more beautiful regardless of its destiny.

Hence I have decided to try to grap hold of as many opportunities as possible...

I will say I love you and a give great big hug and be super nice to my pa, ma, ping, min, ning, ling and dino (the dog) when I see them in June...( all my grandparents are in the other world)

I do not watch singapore/malaysia idol so I do not vote, but I promise to vote wisely at the next KCLMSS elections.

I promise to not skip all the sociology and psychology notes when I study for my finals.

and finally... If I can find someone I feel I can love till the end of life (and he is not attached/married/balding) I will pick up all my courage, grap the opportunity and reveal my feelings.

Hee hee.. pretty brave yeah?!
I am not crazy... its just that I know that it would hurt more to accept the fact that it has been another lost opportunity...

P.S. If in doubt ask yourself if this is going to be a lost opportunity... if it is... then stop thinking and just do it!

P.S. 2 To those who have been reading my blog, thank you all for your great comments.. I read them a few times and sometimes i reflect on them... its great to learn from so many people. Thank you! =)

Inertia

2006-03-07T18:49:00.000Z

How much effort would I need to get out of bed?
How much effort would I need to start that diet plan?
How much effort would I need to write an essay?

Quite alot for me it seems because...

I stay next to school but I still go to school late.
I am still fat.
My essay is going to be due and i have not even started.

Think of a BALL... extra effort (FORCE=MASS x ACCELERATION) is required to overcome INERTIA and to start a ball rolling.As the ball starts moving it tends to pick up SPEED as it rolls DOWNHILL or loses speed as it goes UPHILL. This is due to GRAVITY which can be thought of as a pulling force towards the center of the earth.

The ball analogy can be applied to many aspects of life but I shall use it in relationships... I hope at the end of this entry you can view your own relationship as a moving ball! ( hee hee )

Ball is the relationship
Force is the effort required to start, maintain or stop a relationship
Mass is the couple
Speed is the state of the relationship
Walking Uphill always take more effort hence it signifies a turbulent relationship
and the vice versa for downhill applies
Gravity is love

When we think we have found someone we like enough... we have to put in quite a huge amount of effort to get the ball rolling ( sufficient force to overcome inertia )... sometimes one ball is too heavy ( unwilling partner ) so the attempt fails.
Once the ball starts rolling, the speed ( state of relationship ) tends to either increase or decrease ( more or less in love ). Walking uphill is walking against gravity ( out of love ) and walking downhill is towards gravity ( growing more in love )

I admit to having an inertia problem ( as I have described at the beginning). I have not ever had a relationship and as I grow older ( mass is increasing ) it becomes harder and harder.

I have seen people who love their partner alot ( a great gravatitional force ) and their ball is rolling downhill fast and fierce ( esp during the honeymoon stage of the relationship )and then at a more regular pace later as the hill becomes abit gentler...these are the people who will grow more in love everyday.

*If you have such a relationship - lucky you

I have seen couples on an uphill course... gradually falling out of love... the ball is slowing down... it is important to put in effort at this point to push the ball along until the hill levels up or goes down again... or else the ball may just stop rolling altogether and then swirl away off tangent...

*If you have such a relationship - its time for some hard work!

I have seen relationships that are loveless... the balls are falling off tangent and inertia cannot be overcomed easily here. Much effort is required to stop this ball.

*If you have such a relationship - you have to overcome the inertia and stop the ball... before you lose it permanently!

I have seen relationships that are too obsessive... the ball is rolling downhill too fast and it feels like it is going to swirl off course...

*If you have such a relationship - you have to pace yourself

I have seen relationships that have failed and the ball has stopped forever... but the ball is never the same again... it has a tiny tear here or a little hole there... and the only way to make the flaw invisible is to make the ball move again...

*If you have such a relationship - don't be sad.. i am sure your ball will roll again

My questions are:
1. Wanting the ball to move so that it is more pretty.... rebound effect?
(i.e. reluctance to have no relationship after the initial one)
2. Is it possible to see/predict the entire course of the hill?
3. How about if you have rolled over a beautiful hill before but stopped... can
you overcome inertia to start the ball rolling again?

P.S. there is no need to answer my questions la! this entry is for a dear friend! hope you had fun reading it!!

Fate?

2006-03-05T19:09:00.000Z

Look around you.. at your friend or colleague or partner...

If you were from different countries or state or school or workplace,

What were the chances that you could have met him/her?

What were the chances that you could have never met him/her?

If you knew each other once long ago,

What were the chances that you could have met again?

What were the chances that you could have met earlier?

What were the chances that you could have never met?

We make little decisions all the time... writing this blog entry now, deciding to walk home instead of taking the bus, shopping today instead of tomorrow... could this make a difference to who I meet today?

And the decisions that are harder to make... should I go over and say "hi, you really look familiar", adding a really old friend to Friendster, calling a number that has been on your address book for ages but have never dialed... could the other person be thinking the same?

And the decisions that you have no choice but to make... I have to go UK to study, I have to change a job, I have to go to the loo NOW... could it be that the forced circumstance allow us to meet?

I will be meeting an old friend from Singapore tomorrow. Its a coincidence that my housemate knew him in sec school. Quite amazing that his girlfriend is my sister's classmate. Really weird that his girlfriend knows me too ( though I really don't remember who she is )

We would not have arranged to meet if he did not message me. ( decision making difficulty level - medium ) I would not have read the message if I was not so bored that I had to read my friendster messages. ( decision making difficulty level - easy ) Nik would not get to meet him too if I did not share this house. ( decision making difficulty level - inevitable ) The world spins round and round... and I make decisions of variable level of difficulties but somehow these decisions all add up... and they converge and lead to an event.

To me the best events are meeting some of the most wonderful people here in London.

P.S. are all these events... fate?

My Dream Partner

2006-03-04T03:44:00.000Z

He would be someone simple yet sophisticated...

He does not yearn overly for material stuff... nor wants to become the richest or the most powerful...he likes a good home-cooked meal and cuddling in bed....

He is clever and hardworking... fair and professional...

He is not perfect in body or looks...

He knows my weaknesses and strengths... my fears and joy...

He loves me and I love him... A love that is one and only in our lives... We would not necessarily need children as children would not be the foundation of our union...

He does not exist yet and may not ever... I will wait ten.. twenty.. thirty years or more.. and when we do meet we will know that the wait was worthwhile and that whatever time we have now till the end of life is hard-earned and precious...

Helpless

2006-03-01T20:40:00.000Z

I have been thinking about my greatest fear... today I realise that I am faced with it everyday - a sense of helplessness... I hate it.

I am helpless to fate, to luck and to life.

I wanted to become a doctor and since I could not get into NUS I had to come to UK.
Though I do not regret this twist of fate, I remember feeling helpless... and with helplessness comes overwhelming fear. I cried before I left, on my way to the airport, in the airport and then on the plane. I cried so much that I hardly cry these days.

I try very hard to study. In fact, I remove all possible distractions from my life and like Scott tells me I have become a rather boring person. I try... but sometimes I am helpless to my bad luck. I not only lack an ability to visualise and memorise anatomy, I am also helpless when it comes to making a right guess in MCQ tests and exams.

I close my eyes and hope that I will sleep till noon... sounds ridiculous but it is just my life that I am destined to bad sleep. I do not feel tired for I am used to a weird sleeping pattern but trust me that it sucks to be helpless when it comes to having bad sleep.

I am helpless to my own future. I am helpless to many things but I think I can live with all these helplessness.

However the worst helplessness of all... is to be not able to control the health of family... I am helpless when it comes to illness and ageing of my love ones. Nothing scares me more than knowing that someone at home is sick because I know there is nothing I can do from so faraway. No dream is worse than one that has someone I love hurt because there is nothing I can do about a dream.

I acknowledge that some things in life would be beyond my control... I know for such things I will feel helpless...because I feel helpless I will be afraid... and when I am afraid I pray...and when I pray... I pray that all things that I have no control over will end well.

P.S.I am not depressed! People who think I am please do not worry... I only feel like writing my thoughts down...

Brokeback Mountain

2006-02-27T13:12:00.000Z

I am not a movie critic and I would not try to be one. Instead I will tell you what I have felt after I watched the show...

The scenary was too perfect for such tragic love...

They were guys with no money and education but with dreams and ambitions. They met through work ( household chores and herding on the mountain )... They played, worked and fought hard and thus were great companions to each other... They talked about childhoods that were otherwise unknown to others... When it was time to leave, each felt like they were losing something important but instead of acting on what they felt they decided to do what they were supposed to do.

They left each other... got married, had children and became richer. They were good men who were good fathers... but they were unhappy for they have felt true happiness and bliss.

Then they met again. They were happy togther and then another chance to make a decision - To act on their feelings or to do what they were supposed to do. They chose against building a life of happinesss together and returned to the life that had left them unfulfilled.

The rest was a tragedy.

Why do we make decisions due to what people expects of us? Why must religion, sex and commitments bound us to a life less worth living, a love less worth loving?

If they are wrong to fall in love with another from the same sex...
Then is it wrong to fall in love with someone from a different religion?
Then is it wrong to fall in love with someone from a different race?
Then is it wrong to fall in love with someone from a lesser backgroud?

How about is it wrong to marry someone you do not love so much but from the correct religion and race?
How about marrying someone because he is richer or better educated?

I have many decisions to make everyday and many are made based on what I know people (including myself )think is right. How about making a decision because it makes me happy?

The answer perhaps is a balance of both.. decisions that are right and decisions that make us happy... I believe only we ourselves know what sort of balance we want to achieve... and at the end of the day we hope for a happily ever after...

In the show they never found their happily ever after...

P.S. a very sad movie... and some disturbing scenes... not for the faint-hearted.. if you do watch it... do not watch through tainted glasses...

Weekend

2006-02-26T14:33:00.000Z

I was not myself this weekend and I do not really know why... I know that nobody can be down forever so I am waiting for my thundercloud to pass... I have been watching movies to pass time..

Brokeback Mountain

40 Year Old Virgin

Pride and Prejudice

Each show taught me something... and I will blog the lessons I learnt bit by bit ( when i find the time to do so) .

Shall talk abit about pride and prejudice for it was my favourite. Keira Knightly was definitely not beautiful in the show but she did acted quite well... no beautiful women or men...but i have to admit that i found that particular era already a turn-on... My computer is too slow and so I could only watch images of the show.. luckily I have earphones thus I did not miss much of the dialogues... The english was good and the dialogue well-written but the plot rather simple.

There were quite a few details that i found familiar ( similar to my family )... the Bennets have five daughters... the parents appeared non-chalant but actually loved and understoold their daughters well... and the children also called their parents papa mama!

I had a good cry after the show... nothing really emotional happened... only because lizzie's father told her that he never thought there would be someone good enough for her... until Mr Darcy...( it is hard for me to cry these days so it was a good feeling )

By watching this show, I was reminded that nothing could be bad forever... bad days would be followed by good ones and sunlight after rain...

P.S. There was beautiful piano music throughout the show...personally I found the show an audio and visual enjoyment...

Dream

2006-02-25T17:27:00.000Z

I am exteremely tired today. When I am tired, I eat and eat and am just not functional. I called home... and there was not much good news from the other end of the line... I am worried...

So under such extreme exhaustion and and worry... i decided to burrow into my nest of blankets and pillows... and I slept...( pple who know me well know that I am not a fan of naps ) and I dreamt...

I dreamt that I was waking up and the room was very dark... I felt scared and tired... and in my dream I decided to go home... The decision made my heart sing for I was going to go back to my mama and papa... to talk to them and let them comfort my soul...

Then I knew that I was not going to go home soon for I am in a dream... In my dream I asked myself what if I did not come to Uk...what if I could just go home... In my dream I had doubts and regrets and fear...

Then I opened my eyes.. I switch on all the lights and on the computer... I had to express myself in a way... anyway... and I decided to write this down...

P.S. I am glad I did for I am feeling much better now...

Dare

2006-02-24T13:58:00.000Z

When I was little my papa liked to dare me to do things that no sane person would ever like to do... He ordered us ( me ping and min ) to walk across beams that were 1 metre high ( and we were about 1.4 m only! ), jump across wide monsoon drains, get ear holes ( hee hee i know.. i was really scared! ) etc. One of the scariest dare was to jump off a jetty that was more than 10 metres high and into the sea. Then we were to swim towards and climb into the boat....This was the stupidest ( but fastest ) way to get into the boat. As if the challenge was not enough, there were cylindrical hollow beams that were also 10 metres high and 1 metre wide that were situated between the jetty and the sea/boat.

I vividly remember fearing the worst scenario... which was to jump and land right IN the cylinder and drowning in that stupid trap... But my father was a persuasive man and due to sibling pressure I HAD to jump...

Yanping went in first ( as usual ) then after some hesitation I jumped... I remember sinking into the cold and salty sea water and then swiming wildly towards the boat. It was fun...

Now that I am an adult myself, my papa does not dare me to do things anymore. He prefers that I find my own challenges. These few days, I have been feeling troubled because there are challenges in my life... who is going to persuade me to take the jump?

I am in the SMSL exco committee this year. Do I dare to run for the post of president and in so doing take up the extremely heavy responisbility of representing Singaporean medical students in UK.... This is on top of the fact that I will have to work with committee members that I have yet to meet...

One day soon I will graduate and become a REAL doctor. Do I dare to make a life and death decision for my patient or their family... or to see my patient take his last breath?

I am happily single now... but would I dare to like someone and then fall in love?

I think if the right person/opportunity/pressure is there to make me jump, I dare. In fact I might just enjoy myself.

But I did not say I am not scared.

P.S. to dare to do something unbelievable is not because one is fearless... it is more about the willingness to face one's fear... I thank my papa for teaching me this lesson when I was young...

A Shoulder to Lean on

2006-02-23T21:45:00.000Z

I apologise to people who reads this entry... I am really tired today... so this is all I can give...

I am only a girl
With a really simple plan
I know I am quite strong
Someone who knows right from wrong

I am someone who cares
A person with whom anything you can share
I know abit about things
Making a lagsana is really no big thing

But sometimes I feel like a morning sun
My job is never done
Sometimes I think i need someone strong
to know when something is wrong
to give me a hug and a kiss
A shoulder to lean on

P.S. to people who feel worried after reading this poem.. hee hee.. sorry.. i just need some sleep..

To Love or To be Loved

2006-02-22T14:00:00.000Z

That's the question.

It really is an egg and hen question. We need both to continue a relationship and that much I feel is definite. However I am not a believer of true equality. So to rephrase the question, is it better to love more or be more loved...

As usual the answer seems really simple and I've got a feeling many people reading this would choose - To be loved more.

I would choose to love more.

I feel that to give something to someone I love is way more rewarding than receiving anything. ( I am going to draw a parallel between giving and loving )To make someone happy or to try to make someone happy is a process. If I love the person dearly, the process would be perhaps challenging but nonetheless a sweet one. Be it writing a poem or a letter... even to make a call is sweet. It is a humbling experience to love someone. Loving has made me a less arrogant and selfish person...

Yesterday on Grey's Anatomy, ( a fantastic drama about surgical interns in Seatle Grace Hospital )a consultant told his girlfriend ( one of the interns ):

" I, Preston Burke, am a world class cardiothoracic surgeon. I clean the house and cook well. And you, Christina, are a world class slob. You are the most ambitious intern ever and the most challenging person I have ever known. And I-love-you."

It definitely sounds like he must be having a hard time with such an uncaring woman in his arms... but I cannot help but feel he is a luckier person than Christina... (and many of us who do not know how to love )She had been receiving his love only and did little ( excluding the sex )... she feels indebted to his generosity and also feels upset that she is not enjoying the relationship as much as she should.

So she learns to give...

Preston says: " So what can you do for me "
Christina says: " I gave up my flat 20 minutes ago... " ( she is staying with him but keeping her other house )
Preston says : " oh ok..." ( he walks into the toilet to prepare to go to bed - happy)
Christina : stares ahead like a zombie...

I feel Christina has grown to love Preston alot more than she knows. She is giving in to a request made by Preston that she was intially adamant to not fufil. In doing so... by loving more... and giving she has felt the first tug of contentment in her heart... the contentment of making someone you love happy...

I prefer to love and to give.

P.S. girls at home.. your parcel from london is on the way home.. hee hee.. I am a happy sister/daughter...

Last Wish

2006-02-21T21:03:00.000Z

Number 4 wrote a chinese poem in school today and she recited it to me when I called home in the afternoon. It was a beautiful poem about a girl losing her hand in an earthquake...

The last time i hugged daddy...
The last time i could use my left hand...
The last time i could see my pair of hands...

And after the operation
I can no more see my left hand
I can no more hug my family

My last wish is to use my left hand again..

I have not done the original chinese version of the poem justice... I apologise...

If I was asked what my last wish would be, it may be something to do with eating a lobster, steamed fresh fish, mussels with garlic and 10 different kinds of ice cream...

If I was asked what will be the effect of losing my left hand... it will be the fact that I would not be able to become a surgeon, play the piano or cook properly etc

I was surprised that to my sister losing a left hand would mean losing the ability to give the family a proper hug...

I am proud of you ning...

P.S. I never fail to learn from my sisters... they remind me that life should not be so complex... the finer things can be the simplest ones...

Childhood 2

2006-02-21T11:29:00.000Z

I understand that hitting the children can be an effective way to discipline them, for children will be children ( = hyperactive and naughty ).It is the fastest way to instill fear and hopefully compliance. It is also a superb way to communicate your anger and frustration.

However my parents have not succcumbed to caning myself or my sisters out of anger or frustration and if i do have children of my own one day I hope I would continue to hold this practice true.

In the past, when there was 5 little johnnys and 4 little janes, I suppose one must find the most cost-effective and time-effective way to bring up children. Hence the big bowl of plain porridge with soya sauce and lard meal ( real experience told to me by my mama ) and the "cane-you-till-you-bleed-so-you-will-be-good" technique.
However we live in a modern society and violence to a dog is actually punishable
( by law! )

I believe that if one has build a bond with their children from a very tender age... through fun, laughter and conversation... the children (male and female) would learn to be able to decipher the adult's emotions. I am not talking about spoiling the children by buying them the newest PS2 and giving them $50 to eat KFC or Mac's... I am talking about playing badminton together and going for a picnic at the beach...

No doubt children would make mistakes... would love to play... but these are natural growing up processes... I love my childhood not because my PSLE got 2** but because there were so many beautiful memories of myself, my parents and my sisters having fun together.

What happens when the child is disobedient?
I know school work is important too and my sisters have to do their assessments. When they are young it is assessment then we play cleudo together because they wanted to. Now that they are older, its we can have lagsana for lunch ( after assessment ) because you wanted to. And when they really make me happy ( hint girls! i.e. have not fought the house down ) then it is we shall bake cheesecakes and muffins together.. The rewards are not meant to spoil them but to make them happy, balanced girls who love me and love each other's company... and consequently good childhood memories.

Of course many have advised me that hitting kids is for the better - esp male kids. hmm.. i gave it considerable thought. Why do male kids deserve less happy childhood memories? Why make male kids hate the elders? ( until the caning stops that is... bad memories tend to fade and good ones stay i.e. childbirth )

Being a parent is not easy and if you are not prepared to learn new ways to bring up children better than please practice safe sex i.e. contraception. Of course hitting the child would not make the child psycho or sad... it is you the parent that would hurt deep down inside... for you love the child and only want happy memories of yourself with him/her...

P.S. do not go point a finger at your parent and ask "hey yanni says you shd not hit me!" as one excellent mother once told my friend " I hit you because I love you" and i know deep down my friend believed her mum....

Childhood

2006-02-21T09:56:00.000Z

I wish my childhood would have gone on for a bit more.

My family is really very close-knitted. So every childhood memory includes one member or other...

Going to the Ang Mo Kio wet market to buy fresh fish or to the huge durian stall in Yishun with Papa...Strolling in the park with pa after dinner and pa would patiently replying to my never-ending list of questions, arguements and conversations...

Going to the coffee shop outside our house to drink teh-c/kopi-c and eat thosai/yong tau foo with mama... seeing mama cook fungus chicken ( and drooling ) as I sat on the kitchen cabinet next to the stove...Going with mama for our evening walks together whilst we do the most womanly thing - bitching about everything (i.e. neighbours and teachers)

Lying round in the TV area with all my favourite pillows, in between pa and ma, to watch the soapy korean dramas... and then noisily slurping our bowls of korean kimchi magge mee for we were all to lazy to cook or go out for dinner....

Chatting with ping and min whilst we were binging and lying around on the kitchen floor...Role playing teachers, market sellers, doctors, air stewardress, war pilots and fighters ( in pa's car on a hot sat afternoon! ) with ping and min...

Taking care of the two little girls and seeing how they have grown from pink little newborn infants to diapers-drapped toddlers to the beautiful girls they are today.... Seeing them light up like a light bulb when i promise to play cluedo/poker/bingo with them or when they tuck into my lagsana/baked rice/pasta....

Going to Pierce reservoir to catch little guppies
Going to climb Bukit Timah hill and then having a chicken rice picnic at the "tip"
Going to club for swimming lessons
Playing AEIOU and what's the time MR WOLF
Playing wrestle until papa bleeds or we get crushed to death
Going for a family holiday
Always together with pa ma ping min ning and ling

Of course there were bad memories but they came and go... the good ones stayed...

It was a time of little worries and little decision-makings... Pa and ma never whacked us and I was not afraid of them...make no mistake for i respected them alot too...

I love coming home from school.... it never fails to give me a high... hee hee...

P.S. I am sure my mama can tell you how glad i was after my 100m sprint home from school every day... It was the best feeling in the world... now i get it only about once a year... a pity... i think i am really no more a child...

Nature or Nurture

2006-02-21T00:49:00.000Z

I am doing my Special Study Module ( SSM ) on DNA repair defeciencies.

In human cells, both normal metabolic activities and environmental factors such as UV radiation can cause DNA damage, resulting in as many as 500 000 individual molecular lesions per day. Thank God for my good DNA repair genes that I am still healthy and blogging...

To tell you the truth, before doing this SSM I was more often lamenting the fact that my genes have not given me bigger eyes, taller frame and faster metabolic rate. I would like to also blame my genes for my short attention span and lousy memory.

My question is to what extent am I my genes?

I asked my papa this before and he told me with his usual conviction that we are who we are probably 30% due to our genes and 70% due to our environment. Again the young Yanni would have questioned his wisdom.

We Chinese cannot out-run the African Blacks nor dance like the Russian ballerinas right? So what is the 70 % about?

Now that I have left home and having lived in a totally new environment for awhile... I realised that i have become neater, more even-tempered and more liberal minded. Reasons being that I lack a maid to wash my clothes and have no mama here to turn to cry and complain 24/7 and of course no guilt when I decide on impulse to stay out the whole night.. hee hee... I am changing everyday and I know I will eventually be radically different from the Yanni who would have stayed her whole life in Singapore.

I know that if I stayed in Singapore my priority would nothave been to tell my family that I miss them and love them... nor would it be to celebrate birthday for my close and dear friends...nor would it be to study hard so that one day I would become a good doctor ( cannot let my pa and ma down for they did pay a great deal for my change of environment.. hee hee.. )

I know now that my father was not answering my question in the simple way i saw it.. of course he knows i have genes that would not make me a super model nor a great sportswoman. ( its his and ma's genes too after all so he shd know better) He was telling me that how I choose to live my life would change the person I would grow up to be. He was telling me that I had the power to choose to be wise or idiotic, loving or hateful, thrifty or spend-thrift, angry or happy, successful or not. My genes would not mould the way I choose to live as a person, a daughter, sister or friend. I will be nurtured by my environment....

My living environment is XX Potier Street, London SE1 XXX. My working environment is Guy's campus and the hospitals. My family is far away. And my friends are here with me. I wonder how such an environment would mould me.

P.S. Many things I do bring back a memory... a question i had asked at one point in my adolescent years... i think i am getting my answers now... bit by bit...

My market and My number 4

2006-02-20T21:13:00.000Z

Not too long ago, sister number 4 wrote a poem and asked me to help to edit. With help from Mei and becky I managed to send her a slightly edited version.

I have to say I was very proud of her... first the poem was really well written for a ten year old.... and second.. ten years ago when mama was in the hospital after another c-section and number 4 was still a new born... it was then that i first went to the market alone to buy food to cook for the other sisters and papa... It was love at first sight... i can vaguely remember buying fishballs from the fishball uncle, vege from the aunty, pork and liver to make soup for mama.... all of those memories were really not so long ago...

I love my market... and I love you ning ning ling ling...

Ning's Poem....

In the streets of Ang Mo Kio
There is a market you should know
It may not be the neatest
Or the prettiest nor the cleanest
But certainly, it is the market I love most

Where it is, I would love to show
But near which flats,
I do not know
Leading to it, there is a secret path
That will bring me there, in six minutes and a half

The hawker centre has many stalls
Even more than in some shopping malls!
From the break of dawn, the mouth-watering foods are displayed
From savouries to desserts, oh how I wish I could make!
The food there is so popular that they all sell like hotcakes

The wet market’s smell is sometimes foul
And when it rains it is extremely cold
But the stallholders are so friendly
That they seem to melt away the ice
And they always give me a smile which I think it is very nice

I like the woman who sells vegetables best
And her name is Aunty Tess
It is not because she gives us free vegetables
Or that her vegetables are fresh and lovely
But because she is very friendly and jolly

Tess always talks to me when mom is busy
And teaches me how to choose the best veggie
Even though she is already sixty-eight
She is still in tip top shape
I hope I would be as healthy and happy when I reach that age

Anyway, the market floor is always dirty
Covered in water that’s dark and murky
I saw a cat poop there by chance
And mom said that some action had to be taken at once
But nevertheless, my market is already exactly the way I want

Every Saturday, I accompany mom to the market
In one hand, I would carry a huge red basket
To collect the smells, the sights, the sounds
And all the delicious food I want
It feels like an enchanting garden, with colours and smells that allure me!

So I decided to write a poem which is not like any sort
One that is rather nice and short.
The poem is about the place at which I most love to be
That, I am sure you can clearly see

P.S. Thank you mei and becky for helping ning ning and myself... the poem would not have been so lovely without the two of you...

Family

2006-02-20T19:14:00.000Z

This is for my papa, mama, ping, min, ning, ling
and the very special friends I have...
This is all for you...

What is heartache without love
What is pain if there is no comfort
What are tears no one sees
What is fear if there is no protection
What is loss if there is no giving
What is a future if there is no sharing

Who comforts me when I hit stormy weather
Who takes care of me when I cannot go on
Who shares my joy as well as fears
Who cheers me when I have won
and tells me to keep my head up when I have not

Who am I without my family...

I love you... =)

I cry, laugh and love...
because there is a reason to...

P.S. I miss you... =)

That's him?

2006-02-20T13:10:00.001Z

I have four younger sisters and number 3 is 16 going on 17. It is a special age... one that is sung about in a wonderful old movie - the Sound of Music. It is a time of sweet ideals and romantic notions...

Yesterday number 3 sent me an email which she titled "so sweet...." :

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

Who calls you back when you hang up on him.

Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

Who holds your hand in front of his friends.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and say "... that's her.."

I am 20 going on 21 and this is what I have to say " HUH.. really meh????!!??"

If I am neither beautiful nor hot. Do not lie to me. However I do hope that when I ask him if I am too plump, he will tell me that he likes me the way I am.

If I hung up on him, he must have really made me very angry...I think i will respond better to him if he gave me a little time to think and calm down. I know girls are capable of meaningful confrontations once too much emotion is out of the way.

If he is staring at me how can I sleep? And to do it regularly would be so tiring for both parties! Why not lets just cuddle and sleep together ok?

What about the short guys who cannot reach my forehead? Many of my shorter guy friends are fantastic lovers and boyfriends too! I believe a kiss on the lips or the chin is as good..

Show me off in my sweats? Please respect me! Call me first so I can change into a pair of jeans! We will perform the show TOGETHER...

Hold my hand in front of your friends? For how long? Our palms would pespire.. not very comfy.. and I will think of him as an insecure fella or just over-possessive...

Constantly reminding me how lucky he is? My parents have one of the sweetest marriage.. they watch korean VCD until they have nothing for dinner except maggee mee! My papa never fails to remind my mama how lucky she is to have chosen him! haha..

Turn to his friends to say "...that's her..." oh my.. I have to admit that sometimes girls can be quite bitchy ( esp PMS days ).. at those times if he turn to his friends and say ".. that's her" the friends would be thinking " oh my.. poor him.."

Does age change our thinkings? Perhaps...

P.S. I thank my sister for including me in her mailing list though there is a catch.. i think she had to email this to 15 pple or else she will have bad luck... my God?! why do pple still send such stuff?

Losing

2006-02-20T13:10:00.000Z

I lost to my photo...

I posted a photo of myself on my friendster. These were the comments I got:

My sister : oh ma! yanni so thin and fair d!

My mother : wah yanni why you so pretty d!

Becky : eeee.. why you look so thin? the smile so fake!

Mei : wah yanni.. you very photogenic...

Nik : wah yanni.. dun look like you at all...maybe is your bones sticking out.. make you look thinner...

Scott : yanni guess wat i am doing now? I am staring at your picture! you are quite pretty but your picture is stunning!

What the f***! That picture was of me!!! But she was very clearly a much chioer version of me that would never resurface in life... I was sad and disappointed for the longest time... because I have had my moment of glory but that was all... all in that picture...

After one night and one day I have rationalise the whole issue. Make no mistake! I am still upset that the picture is prettier than the real life me... but then i was thinking.... what if i did not have that picture at all?

With this picture I can tell my nieces and nephews and grand nieces and grand nephews that I ( aunt/great aunt ) was once quite pretty and then show them " the picture " hee hee.. sly...

When i die ( even if i am 89 ), i shall request that this particular picture of me be put on my orbituary. So that all who had loved me and those who just like to see the orbituary page in newspaper, would have the prettiest last image of me. hee hee... i know... super sly...

But for now I am neither going to have nieces or nephews nor am I going to seek death, so the picture shall stay on my friendster to continue to fool the pple who happen to be checking my profile and photo albums.

sigh..I know super duper sly..

P.S. pls dun give me comments on that picture any more.. my little heart can take no more set backs =(

Tolerance

2006-02-19T21:44:00.000Z

When I was a grand age of 13 my father told me that the break down of marriages and increasing divorce rates were largely due to women's lack of tolerance. I remembered arguing my head off just to fight for the rights of my female population. I had to somehow shift the blame over to the men...

Thinking back now i realise what a futile effort that was...he was right. Women these days are just less tolerant. Make no mistake for I am no anti-feminist. In fact having four younger sisters make me super feministic. I believe that women can do as well as men, are as smart as men and definitely more crafty and shrewd. I also believe that the modern women are less inhibited and can be more ambitious tahn their male counterparts.

The men of the past are really not much different from the men of today. ( their evolution is really quite slow ) They enjoy male company, competitive games ( on computer and on the field), alcohol and women. Many men in the past do not practice monogamy and neither does men of today. If I have to credit the men of today, it is the fact that they do not bring their mistresses into their house as their second wife and then bear the fruits of their stupidity.

Women of the past are very different. The lack of opportunity for education and work led many to a life of being a wife and mother only. Marrying early does not help alot too. They cannot toss their unfaithful husband out because they need their bread winner. They cannot practice contraception because the men would either hit them or leave them. Women today can toss their unfaithful partners out and can practice contraception because it is within her control. She has some education and probably can earn enough to feed herself. Thus anything not within her control can be either tolerated or not.

Brings me back to the topic of tolerance. Women today DO tolerate the bad habits of their male partners. I do not have a male partner but I have many male and female friends in a relationship. I see how the female cringe their faces in disgust when their guys talk about the porn they saw as students in college.. and how the female sigh in utter frustration when the male has to watch his exteremely important football match though its a special saturday night ( actually every sat is special ).. however the female does not bitch too much about it. She bears it when her partner decides to turn on his egoistic character or childish one and sometimes their narcissistic one... She bears alot... more than a normal guy can imagine...

I know guys will be shouting - " but we bear it too! her terrible mood swings and her insecurities!"

Here is the catch... guys tolerate for that moment and tend to forget. The ladies do not forget.. they remember they had to wait for three hours for the game to end... they remember they had to cook dinner while her guy was playing com games... for the married ladies, they remember the great job they had to give up to look after the baby that came out after that one horny night... and she still tolerates...

So when a guy makes a mistake in his relationship. The women who has reached her threshold will tolerate no more and more often than not it is the women who calls everything to a halt and end. Be it a marriage or a relationship, when she tolerates no more I do not blame her for we are no ancient super women. We have the tools to succed without a man and sometime it is tempting to let go and not tolerate anymore.

So this is my advice to guys. Do not worry overly and do not inhibit yourselves. She loves you so she will bear everything. Its really her job as a female. However there is really little room for mistakes because the less tolerant modern female does not hesitate as much when it comes to breaking the relationship.

P.S. so sorry.. third entry in 3 hours?! sigh.. i always talk so much noe.. now i have to write so much....and its in a third person narration bec these are observations.

Religion

2006-02-19T20:47:00.000Z

Yesterday I learnt a bit more about the buddhist faith. They do not have a God.. they have a teaching...

I am not baptized but I go to a catholic church and I know God, Mother Mary and Jesus Christ are there for me to turn to when I reach for help..

I stay with Nik and Mei.

Nik has an Islamic faith and his culture believes in many different spirit beings...

Mei is a christian and she worships God different from how I do...

I always wonder if there is one of us who is correct and what will happen to the other two who have been wrong... will the people who are wrong go to hell? will we get a final resting place? My father believes in nothingness.. he wants to be cremated and scattered in the sea after he leaves this world... what will happen to someone like him after life?

I am afraid to wonder because there will not be an answer and even if there is there would be not much comfort for I love all the people that I have mentioned and want them all to find peace in their final resting place.

Yesterday aaron told me about the buddhist teaching. They believe that everyone has to go through many cycles of life till they reached the final stage of nirvana. The teachings acknowledge the existence of spirits.. they are just trapped in a particular cycle of life and they have to reach enlightenment to go to the next cycle. Each cycle brings hardship but also some enlightenment. Gods have achieve a higher enlightenment than us...

I asked aaron about the fate of the people who do not beleive in Buddhism. He tells me that nothing will happen to them. They will die and go to the next cycle.

Aaron also spoke about karma. He told me that what goes round comes round. So if i do a good today something good will come back to me and same goes for a bad thing i have done. He told me that somepeople can be enemies for many lifetimes and they will be enemies till they resolve their problems and thus move on to the next stage of enlightenment. There is an exception - they may become husband and wife.

This entry is a summary of the converstaion i had with friends and do not reflect any definite truth about ANY reliion. However it left me thinking for a long time and so maybe by writing it down I can sort my thoughts out eventually.

P.S. I wrote this because all the thoughts were bugging me and I could not concentrate on my revision for tomorrow's fertility exam!!!

Stepping Reflex

2006-02-19T18:07:00.000Z

hmm... i enjoy reading other people's blogs and never thought i would have one of my own... until both my house mates have created their own blogs and seem to so enjoy the simple act of blogging.. so i thought why not?! I have so many ideas and so many things to say!

in my first entry i shall tell you how my title came about. i flipped open the biggest book on my table - my oxford concise medical dictionary and was at the S page..

Sterility? - inability to have children either due to infertilityt or delibearately induced by surgical procedures as means of contraception...
er.. not auspicious.. hee hee =)

steatosis? - infiltration of hepatocytes with fat
totally meaningless..

stellwag's sign? - xxxyyyzzz
totally not understandable

stepping reflex? - a primitive reflex in newborn babies that should disappear by the age of two months. if the baby is held in a 'walking' position with the feet touching the ground, the feet move in a 'stepping manner'. Persistance to do so after
two months is suggestive of cerebral palsy.
hee hee...perfect!!!

I moved away from home the year before to pursue my education. I suppose leaving my family is like leaving the protective environment of a mother's womb - like a newborn. Coming to UK is like being held in a walking position - being put to a test.

I have never met with a real personal crisis, monetrary hardships or academic challenges... and never had a boyfriend or have been on a real date or gotten totally drunk.... So for the past 21 years I have basically embraced my life in a 'stepping manner'... never really stepping out to walk or run. Continuous persistence to do so would mean i have cerebral palsy - only of a totally different sort. ( for your info cerebral palsy is a disorder of movement and/or posture as a result of nonprogressive but permanent damage to the developing brain )

I hope that as my blog entry increases, I will be able to see myself steping out to walk or maybe run.

would like to write so much more.. but i got a test on fertility tomorrow... =) wish me luck!

P.S. My hobbies in life are cooking and eating.. would write abit that some day i promise! =)